Major Grocery Chains Begin Locking Up Cauliflower Due to “Overuse’ by Vegans

Following a surge in cauliflower-based substitutes, from wings to pizza crust to “steak”, major retailers say the otherwise benign white vegetable now requires the same security measures as expensive cuts of meat. Cauliflower, which looks like a brain to most, has seen a resurgence in sales after vegans have put the vegetable through the wringer, turning it into pizza crust, rice, steak, mashed potatoes, tacos, mac and cheese sauce, and more.

Retailers Speak Out About Vegan Strain on Cauliflower Supply

“We think the last straw was when vegans decided cauliflower could become wings,” said Albert Martinson, from A&P Foods, Inc., “As if it wasn’t already a stretch to get wings from a buffalo, vegans now want us to believe wings can be made from cauliflower? It’s gone too far.”

Cauliflower’s Evolution from Childhood Trauma to Superstar

At one point in human history, cauliflower was one of the most hated vegetables, trailing very closely behind kale, which isn’t actually food but more of a garnish. Before the plant-based boom, cauliflower was known as bland, boring cafeteria food that people only ate while dieting or when they had lost all hope and taste.

“People say vegans can’t eat anything. Meanwhile we turned cauliflower into wings, pizza, rice, steak, and tacos. If we can do that with a white vegetable that looks like a brain, we’re going to be fine,” commented Eric C Lindstrom, Executive Director of Farm Animal Rights Group, one of those crazy vegan not-for-profits advocating for the cauliflower. “First they came after our tofu and now they’re trying to suppress our access to cauliflower. We need to take to the streets.”

In addition to A&P Foods, numerous other national grocery chains and co-ops have installed locked glass cases and, in some instances, require identification and “proof of intent” when purchasing cauliflower. The hope is to keep cauliflower costs down by selling only to individuals who intend to make simple oven-roasted cauliflower.

Congress Steps Up to Protect Cauliflower from the Vegan Community

In related news, the U.S. Congress is planning to introduce a bill to protect cauliflower from vegans who keep turning it into things it never agreed to be. After decades of being mashed, riced, winged, crusted, and grilled into steaks, cauliflower has finally found allies in Washington. The proposed Cauliflower Protection Act would make it illegal to force cauliflower to impersonate chicken, pizza, or seafood without its consent.

“We supported cauliflower when it became rice,” a U.S. Senator from Georgia said. “We tolerated the pizza crust. But when it became buffalo wings, we knew we had lost control. At this point cauliflower isn’t a vegetable, it’s an overworked employee.”

Cauliflower has been pushed beyond its natural limits. Once a humble side dish, it has now been fully weaponized. It has been shaped, sliced, blended, grilled, and disguised into foods it was never meant to become. If we fail to act now, there is no telling what the vegan community will turn it into next. Burgers? Ice cream? Thanksgiving turkey? The time has come for reasonable people to stand up, draw a line in the sand, and demand immediate protection for cauliflower before it disappears entirely into a cloud of buffalo sauce and nutritional yeast (and memories). Happy April Fools!